"And While You're At It, Why Don't You Give Me a Nice Paper Cut and Pour Lemon Juice In It?"

I'm an assistant scoutmaster in my son's Boy Scout troop. Just like vice-presidents, assistant scoutmasters don't have a lot of assigned duties. Second only to loafing, filling in for the scoutmaster when he isn't there is my biggest job. Such was the case last night.

Three scouts needed "Scoutmaster Conferences", the final requirement before moving on to the next rank. As the name implies, these are almost always performed by the scoutmaster. But I had been duly sworn as substitute scoutmaster last night, so the job fell to me.

The biggest part of the conference is to review requirements with the scout to make sure they have all been completed properly. Some pop quiz questions are OK too. I asked one scout going for his "Life" badge - the rank just before Eagle - what the 4 first aid hurry cases were.

"The hurry cases?"
"You remember those from second-class first aid right? You know the times when you have to give immediate first aid or the victim might die?"
"Oh yeah... Right. Uh.... stopped breathing?"
"Correct! And the next?"
"Severe bleeding?"
"Right again! It's usually arterial bleeding."
"Poisoning?"
"Absolutely! But internal poisoning as opposed to skin poisoning. And the fourth hurry case?"
"Uh...."
"It's a very severe situation."
"I'm not sure..."
"This can kill a guy if nothing's done."
"Uh...."
"Victims are almost always scoutmasters and not scouts."
"Old age?"

Ooookaaaaay. Next scout please.
K-