The World News As Only The Weekly Can Give It

Yesterday A- called me at work. I love him dearly but about the only time he calls me at work is when he needs me to buy something.

Sure enough:
"Daddy, don't forget to get me a 9-volt battery on the way home. And could you also bring me a news magazine?"
"Like Time or Newsweek?"
"Whatever. We're doing an impromptu in speech tomorrow and it has to be about something from a weekly news magazine."

Later in the checkout line with the requested battery and Newsweek, I noticed there in front of me a news magazine of a different sort: Weekly World News. Of course! That's the perfect news magazine for A- to talk about in speech class. It even has the words "weekly" and "news" right there in its name! What more could he want?

When I got it home, he said he probably could use it for the basis of his speech. Looking through this latest edition, we found the obligatory "Bat Boy" story. This time we learn Bat Boy helped lead US Troops in Iraq to Saddam's hole-in-the-ground hiding place. There were also stories about a famed musicologist who ranks Britney Spears with Bach, Brahms, and Beethoven as a great musician; "secret" news from NASA that the space agency is exploring the outer reaches of our galaxy using the out of body experiences of Earth-based "mind-o-nauts"; and (our favorite) a report about a restaurant in Tokyo serving mermaid sushi.

He asked me what everyone always wonders: Do people really believe the stories in the Weekly World News? I told him that, obviously, the "Bat Boy" story was a little too farfetched to be true but Britney Spears... she's one damn fine musician. And mermaid sushi probably tastes a lot like chicken.
K-